mental blocks & lazyness - gerlinda
without really meaning to, i seem to have totally fallen off the running wagon this week. i haven't run a single step since the 20 miles, unless you count my trot across the street last night to fetch the car...
part of me is okay with that. the 20 miles really took it out of me, mentally. it was a terrible run and in a way, i'm okay cutting myself some slack. plus, my knees are acting strange. almost like they want to give away under me. when i round corners (not even especially tight ones,) i sometimes feel a wrenching sensation on the inside of my knees - as if the slightest twist could cripple me without warning. the good news is, my knees aren't making the clicking sound when i go up stairs this week...so maybe the 20 miles ground away whatever bit of cartiledge was grating against my bones....
so, part of me too, is okay with giving myself a break because - well - if i'm feeling suddenly a bit weird about my knees, maybe i should heed that warning? at least that's what i tell myself...
but, truthfully, there is another part of me that knows i'm just being lazy and whiney. this is the part of me that is scared to death about the marathon. i'm scared of crossing the finish line to whatever does (or does not) exist on the other side. i've been focusing on this goal for so long, knowing that it means something more than just a difficult road race. it's for my father. it's for myself. it's for a million things. but i can't really articulate any of that. i've trusted all along that, by the end, i'd be able to put all of this into words. but now the end is looming and i still feel as scared and as numb as i did when i started all of this.
last night, i told myself it was okay that i'd taken a break this week. but, it's time now for me to get back on the road and take control of myself again. i don't think i can run today, but i'll plan to run tomorrow, and this weekend. i'll run as far as it feels right to run, and i won't worry about anything more than that.
part of me is okay with that. the 20 miles really took it out of me, mentally. it was a terrible run and in a way, i'm okay cutting myself some slack. plus, my knees are acting strange. almost like they want to give away under me. when i round corners (not even especially tight ones,) i sometimes feel a wrenching sensation on the inside of my knees - as if the slightest twist could cripple me without warning. the good news is, my knees aren't making the clicking sound when i go up stairs this week...so maybe the 20 miles ground away whatever bit of cartiledge was grating against my bones....
so, part of me too, is okay with giving myself a break because - well - if i'm feeling suddenly a bit weird about my knees, maybe i should heed that warning? at least that's what i tell myself...
but, truthfully, there is another part of me that knows i'm just being lazy and whiney. this is the part of me that is scared to death about the marathon. i'm scared of crossing the finish line to whatever does (or does not) exist on the other side. i've been focusing on this goal for so long, knowing that it means something more than just a difficult road race. it's for my father. it's for myself. it's for a million things. but i can't really articulate any of that. i've trusted all along that, by the end, i'd be able to put all of this into words. but now the end is looming and i still feel as scared and as numb as i did when i started all of this.
last night, i told myself it was okay that i'd taken a break this week. but, it's time now for me to get back on the road and take control of myself again. i don't think i can run today, but i'll plan to run tomorrow, and this weekend. i'll run as far as it feels right to run, and i won't worry about anything more than that.
posted by August at 7:37 AM
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